Yeah. It's time. Time for that one odd post (I wrote one a while back when mom-stress was getting to me) that has nothing to do with DIY, or crafting, or some crap I dragged off the garbage and made into something fabulous. Time for me to just write and get some thoughts and confusion out and see if any of it starts to make sense.
I'm at a weird spot in my life and I really don't know what direction I'm going. I feel like I'm standing in the middle of an intersection dodging cars like mad and kind of wandering aimlessly at the same time. I don't have a clear direction and it's killing me. If you know me at all, you know I'm a planner. I like to know well in advance what's happening, where I'm going, why, who, will there be snacks... So to not have a clearly defined path is upping the anxiety levels a bit.
Let me explain. When we first got married, my roll was clear. My husband would be the breadwinner, and I would be the parent. That's not to say I didn't work and he didn't parent (he's always been a great dad for the record and I have always had a job) but mainly, I did the kids and he did work. He stayed late when he needed to, I always left right at 4pm on the dot, even if I was busy, because there were kids counting on me to pick them up and bring them to soccer practice. I have never worked 40 hours a week since we had kids (I went to 3 days a week after I had my first kid, then back to 4 days a week after I had my second... still at 4 days a week... roughly 30 hours at real work... that doesn't include blog work... did you follow that?), and it's not unusual for him to work 50 or more. And our careers are reflecting this. He's been promoted up the corporate ladder, and I'm still in the roll I've always been in. Let's face it, I'm not going to be promoted if I'm not there as much as everyone else. I get it.
Jamey and I out to dinner recently celebrating a late anniversary.
Don't confuse this for complaining. This is what we both wanted. I got to (and get to) spend way more time with my babies than most working mothers do. I like having a job and I like going to the park with my kid on a Monday afternoon when everyone else is working. I get to do both and I know that is rare. But right now my youngest baby is almost in kindergarten (and this baby factory is closed so don't get any ideas). He already goes to VPK 5 days a week for 3 hours. And come this summer, he will be at summer camp with his older sister 5 days a week, all day. My days of staying home with the kids are pretty much over. So what to do???
The hubs and my "baby" doing some moonlight fishing.
I know what you are thinking. Duh! Refocus on work and go into high-power career woman mode (like a beast). And that's an option. But you may have also noticed this little thing I have on the side called a blog. I have to admit, I really like it. You know when people say, "find you passion"? I think I found it. I love making things, and crafting things, and painting, and turning junk into awesome sauce, and telling you about it. I've been doing it my whole life. It is my dream job. If I could redo garage sale furniture all day long and still have that lovely auto deposit paycheck every Friday, I'd say I hit the career lotto. It's my passion, but unfortunately my passion doesn't do much for our savings account.
The day Kaley came to work with me for the entire day.
Now, I know you can make money blogging. I do make money blogging, but even during my best year I, when I worked my ass off, I only brought home roughly 20% of what my day job pays me. I essentially had 2 almost-full-time jobs. It was a ton of work and completely unsustainable. Making the leap from job to passion just seems impossible for me.
That's me and my bestie Jess. The day we thrifted all day. I think we even got brunch. Heaven.
So lately I've been kind of overwhelmed with it all. Real work has been picking up steam like crazy. I'm busy 100% of the time I am there. Gone are the days of any downtime. I feel like slowly my job is creeping into fast-paced career mode and shoving blog land out of the picture without me making that decision. I'm so mentally spent when I get home from work and kid's activities at the end of the day I don't even want to think about blogging. (After all, there's still dinner, laundry, homework, baths...) My friendships are suffering and they amount of to-dos rolling around my brain at all times has tuned me into a flake on occasion. I just can't get it all done! I've become one of those people that loves to get to work early and come in on off days because I know I'll get so much accomplished. When did this happen? All I want to do is sand that old dresser and give it a fresh coat of paint because I know it could be fabulous. Do I see myself with a calendar full of marketing meetings in 5 years? The short, hopeful answer is no, while the realist answer is, probably.
My regular seat... driving. I just need a mesh hat and a loud horn.
So I suppose I need to refocus. Find some balance. I've been juggling 20 different balls for months now and I'M TIRED. I want my blogging mojo back! (If you read WTS you know it's been a while since I've had a post that's really me) But I also want to provide for my family and not regret missing time with my kids when they were little, down the road. Cake and eat it too anyone?
On Wednesday of this week we close on the building loan of our new home. (I'm secretly doing cartwheels inside... it's been a lonnnngggg road.) It's pretty much the perfect opportunity to really get some great projects done for the blog and myself. How often in life do you build a house from scratch? I think I will take this as a recharge for the blog, try to say "no" more often to less important things, and speak up at work when I'm getting overwhelmed. I can't wait to concentrate on things I really love about DIY and the creative freedom that brings. What do you know... I think I just leaned in a direction.
Maybe I'm nuts and I still won't have time to really focus on my non-salary making hobby/passion, but here's saying I'm going to actively try. I've missed you! Thanks for read/listening. I'm done. Now go back to browsing Pinterest for some awesome bloggers who are DIYing their creative butts off. They juggle a lot of balls to make that DIY genius happen.
